Archive for the ‘Divorce’ Category

Lots of “stuff” running through my mind this morning – you know what I’m talking about…  Nothing in particular, just a whole bunch of jumbled up thoughts that didn’t seem to have comas separating them.

I decided to take myself to my favorite spot by the Pacific Ocean in La Jolla to just clear my head, and place some comas in the thoughts that were running amok in my head.

On the drive over to La Jolla, I was listening to my Frank Sinatra station and there was Peggy Lee singing:   ♫ “Is that all there is, Is that all there is? If that’s all there is my friend, then let’s keep dancing – let’s break out the booze and have a ball, if that’s all there is…” ♫

Of course my mind went there… Now, Theresa Caputo – The Long Island Medium – tells me every week on her show  that this most certainly is not all there is, and the noises and voices that happen in my house tell me that this most certainly is not all there is, and my Christian upbringing tells me that this is most certainly not all there is – but still – my mind went there as I was singing along with Peggy Lee.

What is this really is all there is.  What then?  What have I done with my life?

Once I had parked the car, my camera and I went for a long walk. We saw birds and flowers and seals. We listened to the ocean and seagulls and the wind as it hit me in the face. I put my camera in the car – grabbed my lawn chair – and I sat on one of the cliffs by the water, and I simply listened to what the Universe was telling me.

I’m going to be 62 years old this year. I haven’t always lived a life that was good and honest, and I haven’t always been the best person I could have been. When I look at my life now and know that I have more years behind me than I do in front of me, I think about things in an entirely different way.

What’s done is done. I can’t change anything, and honestly, I’m not sure that I would. Every decision I made, every mistake I made, every turn in the road – it’s brought me to where I am right now and made me the person I am right now.

And right now – I’m a happy girl. I have the love of a wonderful woman who makes me happier than I ever imagined I could or would be. I have friends that love me unconditionally and make me feel special, cherished and cared for. My brother and I have contact with one another – it’s not constant – but you know what – it’s contact – and I’ll take that over no contact at all. My ex-husband and I are friends – as we have always been. My biological family who disowned me – well – they still disown me – and that’s okay. It’s okay because my family, the biological ones who have stood by me,  and my friends who surround me, they love me big time!

I try to live a life now that is filled with love, peace, joy and happiness. I try and be there for my family and friends, and I try to make things as easy as possible. I don’t like drama – I don’t like conflict. I love my friends, my family, and my Susan more than they could ever know.

So Peggy Lee – If this is all there is – I’ll consider myself lucky and blessed to have had so very much…

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I got an email this morning from my ex-husband.  Whenever I turn on the computer and see his name in the in-box, my heart stops for a few seconds. See – We rarely speak and when we do it isn’t always pleasant or mature. Sometimes it’s just down-right childish.

But this morning he wrote to tell me that his Father had passed away last evening. He just thought I would want to know.  My emotions surprised me as I was sad – very sad – at the news. His Father was sweet and funny and always made me smile.  He had nick-names for everyone, but he could never come up for one with me. That should have been some sort of foreshadowing that the marriage would never work!

I shot off an email back telling him how sorry I was – and that his Dad had always made me smile, and I thanked him for telling me.

He emailed me right back telling me that his Dad had been ill and that it was a blessing of sorts – and he wanted me to know that his Dad had always liked me.

I sent a message back to him telling him that even if it was a blessing – it was still his Dad, and I told him not to do his strong man imitation – to just feel however he was feeling and be okay with that. I told him I’d be thinking of him – and I most surely will.

The thing that I get this morning is that my ex-husband and I have this thing… We’re friends. Underneath all the crap, away from all the noise of the world – we care about one another. We had been in each other’s lives for over 30 years before we divorced and as hard as one tries – one cannot run from history. It will follow you… everywhere.

This morning, my ex-husband needed his old, familiar friend, and I was there for him. I found I didn’t want to be snarky or pissy or condescending. I wanted to make him smile and remember happier times, and give him some sort of comfort. I hate to say it; but I think I’m maturing!

The next conversation may be childish and not pleasant at all, but this morning – this morning  we were old friends giving comfort to one another – remembering a kind man who made our lives just a little better by being a part of it.

Rest in Peace, Pop.

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I found out that a classmate of mine from High School passed away last week.  I haven’t seen him since graduation some 42 years ago, but I remember him quite vividly.  He was smart, funny and kind and he was the best Conrad Birdie in our adaptation of Bye Bye Birdie. His last name started with a G, mine with an H, so we shared a homeroom all through high school. He could always make me laugh which always started my day out with a smile.

He died doing the things he loved and he was surrounded by people who he loved and who loved him. I’d like to think that is some sort of comfort for all of those who were instrumental in making his life good, and for him as he left this place we call home.

His death brought home to me the fact that life is quite fleeting. You’re here one moment, and then you’re gone and I found myself pondering forgiveness.  I was thinking of one high school friend in particular who was in my life for a very long time. My husband and I were quite close with this person and her husband. We traveled together, laughed together, cried together, she was like the sister I never had, so I decided to trust her with my deepest secret – that I was gay – and she betrayed that trust by telling my husband. Life as I knew it ended on that day. I never asked her why she chose to betray me in such a way; I simply walked away and never spoke to her again.

In some respects, she did me a huge favor and opened the conversation that has finally allowed me to live openly as a lesbian; however, I have never understood or forgiven her betrayal. Today I wondered if this was perhaps the moment to forgive her in my heart.

Then I started to wonder if it was this one-time friend I wanted to forgive or if perhaps I was the one who needed to be forgiven.

Our lives are lived in moments. Moments in time, moments when words are spoken that can never be taken back, moments when decisions are made and lives are changed forever. I’m not sure when the moment was exactly when I knew I was gay, I’ve just always known. It wasn’t a decision I made, in fact I made the decision to be someone else. That decision to not live the life I was meant to live for so many years is the decision that needs to be forgiven.

No one told me I had to stay in my marriage. Then again, no one told me I didn’t, including myself. I stayed because I didn’t know what else to do. My husband was a perfectly nice man, and we were friends, but I was never in love with him, and he certainly deserved more from me than he got. Yes, I understand he could have left me at any time, and I don’t know about his regrets, we never talked about it.  I just know I’ve carried my regrets with me for over 40 years. This is the moment to forgive myself. He has remarried – to my cousin – and from all accounts is quite happy. Let’s just let it be.

I’m not sure when the moment was when I knew I would never, ever be what my mother wanted me to be, I just always knew there would be no grandchildren springing from my loins. I always felt I let her down that I disappointed her in some way. I wasn’t the girl next door; I was the lesbian hiding in the closet.  We never discussed it just as we never discussed anything, and I was always left to wonder what my mother would have said about my being a lesbian.  I know now almost 60 years into my life that it was me who harbored anger about having lived a life secluded in a little town surrounded by an unforgiving family who demanded I keep my place in the family as the “funny one.”  It wasn’t my mother’s fault or my families – the blame lies with me. This is the moment to forgive myself.

I’m not sure when the moment was I decided that I should be in an abusive relationship, or how I reasoned in my mind that I could change this persons behavior, I only know I should have taken more time to think it through.  I do recall the moment when I said to myself: “You’re in trouble here,” and realized that I had to find a way out. I may have realized I needed to get out, however in a moment of “I’m so sorry, I won’t do it again,” and the “I really will stop drinking” moment, I stayed. If not for a job that I loved and people who cared for me and lifted my self-esteem, and mainly – if not for Susan – I’m not exactly sure where I would be or what sort of shape I would be in. I put myself through hell but I survived and I’m better and happier and stronger than I ever dreamed possible.  I need to forgive myself for falling into the “No one will ever love you” pit.

Life indeed is made up of moments – This is the moment I say ‘I forgive you’ to the image I see in the mirror, and I move on. It’s the moments of here and now that are to be lived to the fullest for in a moment, any moment – it can all be gone.

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A friend of mine posted the above on his Facebook page…

Someone wrote the following as a comment : “Oh, I don’t know about this one. Total gun-related killings in NC in 2010: 445. Total killings via gay marriage: none documented. The focus on the removal of rights may be misdirected in this and other states…”

It’s this sort of dribble that just makes me crazy, and what drives me to continue to write about gay marriage…  Only a straight person who can marry and divorce as many times as they please would believe that the fight for gay marriage is misdirected.

Marriage should never be defined as gay or straight, it should simply be defined as the union of two people who love each other and want to share their lives together and have that union be recognized, validated and respected by friends, family, and their government. This is what a wedding – large or small – is all about; validation and respect.

What a good many straight people don’t understand is the stigma that has been placed on the gay community.  We don’t want to hide who we are, but society sure doesn’t make it easy for us to live openly.  With more and more laws being passed to prevent the gay community from being accepted as – well – human – we tend to wonder exactly where it is we fit in. We’re equal up to the point where the straight community hits their “ick” factor and then we must once again be reminded that we are not equal…

When there is not one politician running for President of the United States who will stand up and say they support gay marriage, gay marriage will continue to roll around in the muck and mire it’s been thrown in to.  When the current President says his feelings on gay marriage are evolving – what does that mean? You either support it – or you don’t.  If The President can’t – or more to the point – won’t – make a decision and express it to the country – why on earth would we expect the people who live here to be any more accepting than the President?

See – it’s not about equal rights for everyone – it’s about money and power and the haves and have-nots. It’s about getting elected at any cost – human or monetary.  It’s not about respect and tolerance – it’s about ignorance and bigotry. It’s not about the love that Jesus speaks of in this Bible the Christians love to quote – It’s about the hate that people seem to feel this Bible has given them the freedom to spew, and the laws of the land that allow this hate-filled ideology to exist.

Is the focus on the removal of rights misguided?  I’ll leave that up to you to decide. I just think it’s a little hard to focus on the removal of something you never had in the first place…

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The Equal Rights Amendment was first proposed in 1923 to affirm that women and men have equal rights under the law.  Some 89 years later this Amendment is still not a part of the United States Constitution.

The wording of the Equal Rights Amendment is really quite simple:

  • Section 1. Equality of rights under the law shall not be denied or abridged by the United Stated or by any state on account of sex.
  • Section 2. The Congress shall have the power to enforce, by appropriate legislation, the provisions of the article.
  • This amendment shall take effect two years after the date of ratification.

That’s it – No muss – No fuss – just Equal rights – Period.

Perhaps if we had gotten the ERA we wouldn’t be facing this “War on Women” that the Republican faithful are now waging.  There would be no way to wage the war if everything were equal, now would there?

38 States are needed to ratify this amendment – the total that have ratified has been at 35 since 1982.  The amendment has been reintroduced into every Congress since that time, with the conviction that at some point women will be given the rights that are inherent in every American citizen.

In doing some research into the ERA – I looked at the map of the states who have and have not ratified the ERA – there is most definitely a pattern.

The States in red on the following map are the States who have not ratified the ERA.

ERA map

Now – I want you to look at this map from 1861 of the Free States and the Slave States.

One more map for you – This is a map with what is known as “The Bible Belt” marked in red.

Do you notice anything similar in the maps?

Now – before any of jump all over me that I’m making this a southern, religious thing – the maps don’t lie.  This is what it is.  I’ll let you make up your own little scenarios as to why the maps look-alike when it comes to the States that are listed in red on all three maps. Even Utah, Nevada and Arizona fall into the “Territories open to slavery.”

So – does religion play a part in this struggle for women’s equality? I know for me, I don’t understand women who believe that feminism is evil.  I don’t understand any religion that tells you that you must submit to your husband -“For rebellion is as the sin of witchcraft…” 1st Samuel 15:23 And the whole obey thing – well – thankfully I wasn’t raised in the South!

I believe in equal rights for all Americans. If you want to believe that God wants you to submit to your husband, then by all means you submit. I don’t understand it – but – I’ll respect your decision, and I’ll fight for your right to make that decision.  I’m only asking one thing in return.  Don’t believe things like what I read on this Christian website that said the following: “The feminist agenda is not about equal rights for women. It is about a Communist, anti-family, anti-Christian, political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their babies, practice witchcraft, abandon homemaking, and become lesbian.”

Like we lesbians have that much power!

The fight for the Equal Rights Amendment must continue. We owe it to the women who came before us and have fought the good fight to get us to this point.  We owe it to them and to our daughters and our granddaughters and our great granddaughters and for all the generations of women to come.   We owe it to all women – everywhere…

  • Section 1. Equality of rights under the law shall not be denied or abridged by the United Stated or by any state on account of sex.

How hard is this to understand?

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So this morning as we were surfing through the hundreds of channels on our television trying to find something that would fill that Sunday morning lazy feeling – we happened upon a show about being a mistress.  Now these weren’t just any mistresses these were celebrity mistresses.

I sat quietly through as much as the show as I could but when one of these women told us that she was comfortable with who she was and what she did – I had to get up and walk away.  To think she felt her life was perfectly normal going from affair to affair with no concern or compassion for the turmoil she may have left in her wake almost made my head explode.

I’m no angel – and I’ve made my mistakes in my life – some I’m not particularly proud of and quite frankly some I’m not comfortable with. I’ve made my apologies where I felt they were necessary and I’ve walked away from people and situations that were not healthy on many levels. Still – I hurt people who were totally innocent because I was selfish. The thing is – I learned from these mistakes and didn’t make them again.

I question why don’t women care more about other women than they do?  When you sleep with a married man – do you not understand that you’re hurting another woman?  Oh yes, the man is cheating on his wife, but what are you doing?

What I don’t understand is why the women who are having the affair don’t understand the anger of the cheaters wife.  The man cheats on his wife – he leaves his wife for his mistress – he marries his mistress – and the new wife, his ex-mistress, doesn’t understand the anger of the ex-wife and his children, if he has children.  Seriously? You don’t understand? Personally I believe the ex-wife has the right to be angry and bitter and hateful for the rest of her life.  She wasn’t only betrayed by her husband – she was betrayed by another woman.

The world shouldn’t be about who comes out on top – so to speak! You marry someone because you believe they will be honest and faithful in all things – especially when it comes to sex. There is nothing more personal than sex. Nothing that leaves you more vulnerable, more emotionally raw than sex.  And nothing will hurt you more when you know the person you share your bed with also shares another woman’s bed. If you don’t have that honesty – that intimacy – what exactly is it that you do have?

And why do women take that intimacy away from other women? And – if he cheats on his wife what makes you believe he won’t cheat on you? And how can you cheat with the husband of a woman who is your friend? Does the sex matter more than the friendship? Will the man and his penis be the thing that comforts you when your world falls apart or will it be the love, compassion and friendship of the women in your life? Why don’t we put more emphasis on that bond between women? Why don’t we respect that more than we do?

The show this morning about the Celebrity Mistress was a mockery of marriage, and a kick in the face to faithful women everywhere. I just don’t understand that sort of disrespect women have for other women.

I suppose the next thing will be the Mistress Idol show with married men judges and a married celebrity waiting in the wings with a single red rose for his conquest!

And it’s “the gays” who are ruining marriage…

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