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Archive for the ‘ocean’ Category

Lots of “stuff” running through my mind this morning – you know what I’m talking about…  Nothing in particular, just a whole bunch of jumbled up thoughts that didn’t seem to have comas separating them.

I decided to take myself to my favorite spot by the Pacific Ocean in La Jolla to just clear my head, and place some comas in the thoughts that were running amok in my head.

On the drive over to La Jolla, I was listening to my Frank Sinatra station and there was Peggy Lee singing:   ♫ “Is that all there is, Is that all there is? If that’s all there is my friend, then let’s keep dancing – let’s break out the booze and have a ball, if that’s all there is…” ♫

Of course my mind went there… Now, Theresa Caputo – The Long Island Medium – tells me every week on her show  that this most certainly is not all there is, and the noises and voices that happen in my house tell me that this most certainly is not all there is, and my Christian upbringing tells me that this is most certainly not all there is – but still – my mind went there as I was singing along with Peggy Lee.

What is this really is all there is.  What then?  What have I done with my life?

Once I had parked the car, my camera and I went for a long walk. We saw birds and flowers and seals. We listened to the ocean and seagulls and the wind as it hit me in the face. I put my camera in the car – grabbed my lawn chair – and I sat on one of the cliffs by the water, and I simply listened to what the Universe was telling me.

I’m going to be 62 years old this year. I haven’t always lived a life that was good and honest, and I haven’t always been the best person I could have been. When I look at my life now and know that I have more years behind me than I do in front of me, I think about things in an entirely different way.

What’s done is done. I can’t change anything, and honestly, I’m not sure that I would. Every decision I made, every mistake I made, every turn in the road – it’s brought me to where I am right now and made me the person I am right now.

And right now – I’m a happy girl. I have the love of a wonderful woman who makes me happier than I ever imagined I could or would be. I have friends that love me unconditionally and make me feel special, cherished and cared for. My brother and I have contact with one another – it’s not constant – but you know what – it’s contact – and I’ll take that over no contact at all. My ex-husband and I are friends – as we have always been. My biological family who disowned me – well – they still disown me – and that’s okay. It’s okay because my family, the biological ones who have stood by me,  and my friends who surround me, they love me big time!

I try to live a life now that is filled with love, peace, joy and happiness. I try and be there for my family and friends, and I try to make things as easy as possible. I don’t like drama – I don’t like conflict. I love my friends, my family, and my Susan more than they could ever know.

So Peggy Lee – If this is all there is – I’ll consider myself lucky and blessed to have had so very much…

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My emotions have been running the gamut since my mother passed away on November 11. I can go from feeling perfectly happy to anger and feeling just down-right morose in a matter of seconds. Granted, I have always had the ability to be a little moody, but this – this I don’t seem to have any control over. Emotions seem to come and go in the blink of an eye. I’m aware of the whole grief thing, and I believe I expect way too much of myself sometimes. I’m trying to just allow myself to feel however it is that I feel and just be okay with that. This – this whole change thing is not an easy task for me.

So, I’ve been reading a bit more of my favorite Philosophers which I’m finding helps to ground me, and helps to keep me in the center of where it is I need to be.Heraclitus is one of my favorites, and his little bits of wisdom I have always found to be so applicable in my life.

  • Nothing endures but change.
  • The road up and the road down is one and the same.
  • You could not step twice into the same river; for other waters are ever flowing on to you.
  • Deliberate violence is more to be quenched than a fire.
  • Bigotry is the sacred disease
  • If you do not expect the unexpected you will not find it, for it is not to be reached by search or trail.
  • Much learning does not teach understanding.
  • Hide our ignorance as we will, an evening of wine soon reveals it.

Every time I go and sit by the ocean I think of the never stepping in to the same river twice. Susan asked me once why I love to go to watch the ocean so much, and I told her that it’s because it’s always different. It may be that we go to the same spot every time, but the water is always different which makes the view always different. The energy is different, the air is different, and the smell is different. It’s never the same – ever.

I’m discovering that this is the way of life – it’s never the same – ever.  Hence the: “Nothing endures but change” thing.   The world does seem to be changing at an alarming rate – but perhaps it only seems to be moving and changing faster because I’m older and because I now understand how quickly it can all be over and we can be gone. The time it takes for you to be breathing and not breathing can’t be measured – it just is…You are here – and then you are not.

Where we go after we die, and what happens to our soul, is certainly something up for debate. I believe people believe what they must to not fear dying. We have to believe that our life has mattered, that we’ve made a difference, and that we’ve brought joy and love and goodness to the world in some way. Well – at least this is what I have to believe. And… if we haven’t had the best of lives, we’d like to think that where we’re going is better and happier and not filled with so much hate and violence.

I don’t have the answers about where we go or what happens; I only know that since my mother has passed I hear a woman singing in my home every now and then.  It’s not loud singing, it’s soft and comforting. I heard it last night when I was watching Monday Night Football and Susan was reading. I didn’t say anything, I just smiled and then Susan looked up from her book and said: “Do you just hear that woman singing?”  “If you do not expect the unexpected you will not find it…”

I remember those folks who used to come into the restaurant my mother worked in when I was a little girl.  They were gruff and complaining about how the world was changing and how it wasn’t good and it would ruin the country and society.  They were concerned that the “colored” would get the vote and live within the confines of our little white village! They were concerned that women would no longer know their place, and that television would ruin society.  Sadly – some of these concerns still permeate our politics some 50 years later… Change can indeed be a good thing, but not always. When change comes and it’s evil, we must find the courage and fight for that which is good and right.

Your life is simply that – your life. Whatever path you travel up or down – it’s still your life.  Hence the “The road up and the road down is one and the same” little bit of wisdom. It’s your choice, but the road is always the same. You can travel up the road to bigger and better things or you can travel down the road and wallow…

My road is well-traveled up and down; what I understand now is that it is my road, my path, my life, and it can all be gone in less time than it takes to blink. I don’t want to get to the end of my life and wish I had done something or said something or written something.  I’m going to travel up the road – one more time…

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♥  There are no words.  ♥




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