I had a chance yesterday to say something to someone that might have hurt them – however – it would have settled an old score for me – and I choose not to say it.
I won’t go into the details – I’ll just say that the opportunity was there for me to finally have my say , to finally get back some of what I feel has been taken from me my entire life – and I let it go by. It was right there in front of me – I had the email written – I’d said what would have hit home and produced the hurt I had intended it to do. My thoughts of revenge and settling this score would finally come to an end, and that part of my life could finally move forward, and instead of hitting send – I hit delete.
For about an hour after I deleted the email I heard what appeared to be chicken noises in my head. You know what I mean – those noises people make that sound like chickens clucking when they want to mock you for being weak. I argued with myself and I went back and forth about getting my revenge and yet when the time came – I let the chance go by. Perhaps I deserved the chorus of chicken clucking that was ringing in my head.
The question I asked myself was this: Would it be worth it to send this snarky, well-written email and continue to stir this pot of discontent? My answer was no – it most certainly would not. I wanted it to be over not to carry on for the rest of my life. And if I enacted this selfish act of revenge what would happen next? It’s already been a life-long road of dodging slings and arrows; I just want to walk on the road with no fear.
I’d like to think I chose the higher road. I don’t believe for one moment that the slings and arrows will still not be thrown in my direction – I just feel that now I’m on a different road and those slings and arrows won’t hit me. You know? People can only hurt you if you allow them to hurt you. My decision yesterday was my way of saying: “I’m done here, you can’t hurt me anymore.” They can stay locked in the past, keeping old wounds open and festering wallowing in what has become their life, I’m not going to play their game or live by their rules any longer. 60 years is long enough.
My life is so much more than this game ever was – so much more than revenge and time wasted plotting revenge for events that are long over and words that were said years ago. I’ve been plotting for almost 60 years – I’m going to spend the rest of my time plotting better things – like learning French for my return trip to Paris. “Un chocolat croissant et une tasse de café, s’il vous plait.”