I’m always amazed when I realize even at age 59 I’ve learned a life lesson. I know I shouldn’t be amazed, for life in itself is the greatest teacher we will ever have, but still – it’s always a surprise to me when something really resonates with me.
I have people coming back into my life I had written off – gone – done – over – don’t want to ever deal with again… and yet – here they are. We’re communicating, we’re kind to one another, and in some cosmic way – it’s reassuring to have them back in my life.
Oh, don’t get me wrong – we won’t be sitting around a table together sharing and laughing at old memories any time soon – still – it’s nice to see their name in my email inbox and not think: “Oh Lord, now what?”
When I finally decided I was tired of being angry and I let all that anger and hate and negative “stuff” go, strange things started to happen. I felt lighter, I felt happier, I felt my spirit was renewing itself. I wasn’t tied to the outcome of any situation and I just let things be what they are in my life. I wasn’t pushing anything or hoping for anything or begging someone to feel a certain way, life is just what it is. Nothing more – nothing less. It’s that like attracts like, anger brings anger – neglect beings neglect – that whole “birds of a feather” thing.
It was only when I released the anger that the goodness started to come to me. I suppose when you’re filled with anger there is no room for goodness – I thought I could just be my snarky self on occasion and still receive some good. It really doesn’t work that way.
I had to decide to just let go and understand that people are simply who they are. I’ve written of this before, but it’s so important to learn. I know I expect too much of people on occasion. I want them to act a certain way, feel a certain way, and when they don’t live up to that, I’m hurt and disappointed and angry at them. In all actuality the person I should be hurt, disappointed and angry with is me. People can’t be more than what they are – it’s just the way it is. I expected too much, I got hurt, and I shut people out of my life.
It was when I expected nothing of these people – they’ve decided to come back into my life. Go figure.
It wasn’t them – it was me. I’ve changed, I’ve grown, I’ve freed myself of that negative demon. Life isn’t about what someone else can do for you or how another person can make you feel. It all starts with you. And the thing is – these people who are back in my life – I don’t really expect anything from them this time around. My life isn’t wrapped up in what they say or their approval of me. If they stay – well that would be wonderful – but if they go again – it won’t be because of me this time, and I’m okay with that.
I believe my dear, sweet friend Cheryl said it best when she told me: “It’s a crazy, damned world, Barbie Sue.”